Well hello there, I'm Tom Scott
as Herb mentioned
I'm from the University of York
although believe me
today I am most definitely
not representing them.
In the next eight minutes
just like Hans Rosling
I have some graphs for you.
To start off with, this is Twitter:
this is the times per day you post to Twitter
versus the amount I could give.
As you can see
as soon as you pass one tweet a day
I couldn't give a rat's ass
(LAUGHTER)
and once you pass two a day
I couldn't give a monkey's.
The pink line there, the little dotted pink line,
that's an exception.
That's if I'm trying to get into your pants.
(LAUGHTER)
This is the percentage of people
that understand the difference between
bar charts and line charts.
It's kind of ironic
'cos that should really be a pie graph.
(LAUGHTER)
This is the number of audiences
I've shown this chart to
That's the number of audiences
who've laughed at it.
(SLIGHT LAUGHTER)
Hmm...
(LAUGHTER)
That's close enough.
This is a pantomime.
This is the time I intend to go to bed
versus the time I actually go to bed.
The blue line is normal
The red line is if I have an internet connection.
(LAUGHTER)
This is how awesome Hans Zimmer theme tunes are.
Hans Zimmer is a very very famous film composer
He's been composing for years and years
First of all: Pirates of the Caribbean.
(THEME FROM 'PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN')
Now, not only is that a fantastic bit of music
it's now become shorthand for pirates
You play that music
and everyone knows what you're taking about.
That's quite awesome.
Number two: Gladiator.
(THEME FROM 'GLADIATOR')
Now, not only does that bring a tear
to the eye of grown men
and the end of the movie
That whole score redefined film music
ever since that came out.
That's even more awesome.
The last Hans Zimmer theme tune.
(THEME FROM 'GOING FOR GOLD')
(LAUGHTER)
And you think I'm joking
you think I've just put that in for a laugh
but there it is!
Music by Hans Zimmer.
Believe it or not.
Can you imagine what would have happened
if Hans Zimmer had been in a different mood
when he'd composed the theme music
for "Going for Gold"?
(THEME FROM 'GLADIATOR')
The whole show
takes on this epic-battle-between-nations feel
(LAUGHTER)
and then suddenly
Henry Kelly walks on.
That's brilliant, but
that's not quite as awesome as if
Hans Zimmer had been in a different mood
when he composed the theme music
for "Gladiator"?
(THEME FROM 'GOING FOR GOLD')
♫ 'Cos people are coming
♫ Everyone's trying
♫ Trying to be the best that they can
(LAUGHTER)
♫ We're all going for, going for gold
(ANNOUNCER) "Now, let's welcome your host, Henry Kelly!"
I think we can all agree
that that's significantly more awesome
than either of those.
This is how much the DJ talks
versus how much I want them to die.
The red line is me
the blue line is Morrissey.
(LAUGHTER)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
(INAUDIBLE FROM AUDIENCE)
Yes - b'doom, tssh. Exactly right.
You see, you'd think that,
but we actually went and tested it.
(LAUGHTER)
"Ready?"
That's Matt, a friend of mine.
"Ready!"
"What's black and white
"and red all over?
"A badger in a blender."
Wait for it.
(B'DOOM - TSSH!)
Yes!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
This is how long I spend on an idea
versus the chance of it succeeding.
Not that I'm bitter.
(LAUGHTER)
I spent hours and hours putting together
a really complicated video about
Apple inventing a heads-up display:
nothing.
I spent one, two hours
putting together a web site
that recovers deleted Twitter messages
from anyone's account:
goes everywhere.
Fantastic.
Gapminder!
Hans Rosling's Gapminder is an amazing thing
You can chart so many things on it
What I've done here,
as you all know what's happening tomorrow,
this is the Eurovision Song Contest.
(LAUGHTER)
As you can see, what we have here,
is 1957, the date's at the bottom left.
Those red countries, they're the Western countries,
they're the traditional Eurovision countries
and as time goes on
on the X-axis we've got the number of entries
the Y-axis is the five-year rolling average
of their score.
Took me hours to put this together. Right.
1994. Look at that!
See those on the left, the blue and the greens?
They're all the old Balkan states
and the Soviet states have all broken apart
and they've come into Eurovision in 1994.
But look - on the right, all the red countries
they're still all over the place.
There's still no pattern there other than
they've been there longer.
But watch - the late nineties -
to the early 2000s -
televoting appears.
Televoting appears in Eurovision
and watch those red dots on the right!
Down they go!
(LAUGHTER)
Not only do we have block voting,
there's the United Kingdom, 2007,
look back here,
if I can grab that little thing there,
look at this, in the 1980s we're right up the top,
that's Katrina and the Waves happening there,
the only one higher than us
(LAUGHTER)
is Ireland,
just about here, there they are,
at that point the Irish broadcaster
was pretty much bankrupt, but watch this,
down we go
(LAUGHTER)
Televoting came in - and I can't think of
anything we could have done around 2002
that could have affected our standing
on the world stage as much as that.
What else could possibly have that effect(?)
This is people who are red-green colourblind.
(LAUGHTER)
As we can see from this graph,
everyone who is red-green colourblind
is a normal, productive member of society(!)
This is how long I've got left until I'm unemployed
It's not a joke, I just thought I'd mention it
(LAUGHTER)
This is Connolly's law
As time goes on
If you leave a man alone in a room
with a tea cosy
(LAUGHTER)
the probability that he will wear it on his head
approaches 1.
I have some evidence of this -
This is Richard, this is a friend of mine
I left him in a room
with a tea cosy and a hidden camera
(LAUGHTER)
As you can see, at one minute
he has noticed the tea cozy
but at five minutes
he's still staring ahead
he's not going for it
then all of a sudden, seven minutes,
BAM! There it is!
(CHEERING)
(APPLAUSE)
And by eight minutes
he is raising the roof
(LAUGHTER)
and performing papal blessings.
It's amazing.
This, er --
(Sorry, what's that?)
(LAUGHTER)
This is the last one, the final one,
on the x-axis is the amount of effort
on the y-axis is the amount of awesome
if it's in the red zone, you do it
if it's in the blue zone, you don't do it
That's not a joke,
it's just a way to live your life.
Thank you very much,
I've been Tom Scott,
good night!
(APPLAUSE)