Hi there.
I'm Jackson Seepage, CEO of Instagram.
There's been a lot of fuss today about our new terms of service.
There have been sky-is-falling tweets about how, unless you opt-out, we gain the rights
to sell your photos, to use you and your friends in advertising, and - specifically - to use
adorable, hipsterised pictures of your kittens in adverts for cat food.
We'd like to settle this once and for all: it's true.
It's all true.
Every bit of it.
We are going to wring every last cent out of all you filter-obsessed tech-douche hipsters
and run this company into the ground doing it.
In case you hadn't noticed, Facebook bought us for a BILLION DOLLARS.
A BILLION.
You know what they could've done with that?
They could have bought Detroit.
Instead, we've got it.
Our office now has a swimming pool filled with champagne.
It has a waterslide.
A champagne slide.
So we're going to monetize the hell out o' this baby, and if we lose our users doin'
it, well, that's a bit less bandwidth to serve.
Look out for our April 2013 terms of service, coming soon, when we'll actually have the
rights to send repo men round to your house if you don't upload enough pictures of your
dinner to us.
All aboard the money train.
Woop!
Instagram.
We got our money, suckers.
I think that worked.
Did that?
Yep.
Wait, what?
What do you mean, it's in Facebook stock?
Are you serious?
I bought an island.