I'm Jackson Seepage, product manager at Facebook.
We know we haven't been a big part of your life lately.
We know that our easily-monetised teen audience are favouring newer, more fashionable social
networks.
That's why we just spent two billion dollars buying Oculus Rift.
No, really.
We spent that.
Now, I'm proud to announce Facebook for Rift.
Inside our stunning virtual shopping mall, filled with the people you care about the
most, you'll be able to interact with brands, experience full 3D advertising, play FarmVille
like you were really working in a farm, and, er, talk to people?
I guess?
Our long term plan is to develop — and by develop, I mean purchase — mind uploading
technology.
We plan to let our users literally live inside Facebook.
Don't worry about opting in: you've already agreed to be uploaded in our new Terms of
Service.
You'll never have to leave us.
We will be relevant again.
Oh, please make us relevant again.