This is the Technical Difficulties
We're playing Citation Needed
Joining me in the studio today
He reads books you know - it's Chris Joel!
I don't think there's anything left to say!
Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan - Gary Brannan!
Puttin the eatin' in the greetin'
And the bounciest man on the internet - Matt Gray!
Close up!
In front of m-- Jesus...
In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't... crikey, Gary!
...these folks can't see it.
Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]
And there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is...
Today's article is...
...The Swarm
Film starring Michael Caine
Good grief! A point [DING] straight away!
Thank you, it's about a swarm of killer bees [DING]
Somewhere in the Midwest of America [DING]
Michael Caine plays a scientist I do believe [DING]
So, Gary's won this show. But...
Yes, Michael Caine plays Dr Bradford Crane, which....
Bradford?!
Bradford Crane! "Hello, Bradford Cranes!"
"Yeah, we've got a 9 tonne, a 14 tonne and a Maurice Micklewhite"
"I don't quite understand how a crane is going to help you with a swarm of bees
"Unless you want us to lift a tree, or something"
"Where are ya?"
"America? No, we don't go that far"
Giant Jam Sandwich!
Did you have Giant Jam Sandwich when you were little?
No
Giant Jam Sandwich is an ace book!
It's about a SWARM!... of wasps
That come and attack a town, and sting the mayor in his fat bald pate.
So they bake a giant loaf of bread, make an enormous jam sandwich
Trap all the wasps in the jam, then crush them to death with another slice from the loaf
And then, in the sequel, a giant eats it and gets an all stang out mouth
Stang?
Stang out
"Sometimes I let it all stang out(!)"
But, it's a use for a crane in that situation
Oh, a gigantic jam sandwich!
How else are you going to flop your second slice of bread down?
Why did they make a bread loaf? Why didn't they just make a giant bread roll?
I... I...
Because, otherwise you've got more, other slices in the giant loaf
I don't know I was about...
That's not a jam sandwich, that's a jam roll
That's true
"I'm going to drive my jam Rolls!"
"It's sticky..."
The thing is that if you were to phone up Rolls-Royce and say
"I want a Rolls-Royce covered in jam," they'd do it for you, if you paid enough
Horrendous bespoke cost, but yes!
They'd do it, yeah
Would they use a real jam or a synthetic jam that would last a long time?
I wouldn't want to bring it in every year to be re-jammed.
What I'm thinking is that Rolls would probably create
A see-through layer on the outside of the body panel
Enabling you to trap some very good, high quality jam between the body panel and the plastic panel
thereby leaving you with one coating of excellent jam
That strikes me as the Rolls-Royce way
That brings us to the finest of the Rolls-Royces
The Silver Shred
Silver shred is a lemon jam!
And a silver ghost is a car!
That is the most obscure gag you've ever done!
I got it! But it took me a few seconds
I didn't get either part of it!
The Swarm, gentlemen
It's a Michael Caine film
It's from his "it's a living" stage of his career
I could not have put it better myself
There's some great lines in it, I remember
You've got Michael Caine...
"If you don't get those doors closed, this scientific institution is going to be full of bees!"
That sounds like a film I want to watch!
It's amazing - You're just waiting for Michael Caine to say the word "bees"!
"He has been stung to death by bees!"
And also, Slim Pickens
Really?!
Brilliant!
Awesome!
Playing a redneck, rather than a cowboy
Well, I'm glad he's extended his range!
He wasn't typecast, was he?
Yeah, he can play Appalachia or the West
"Damn man!"
"That's quite the range!"
"Them's some chops!"
"Yee-hah!"
He takes off his ten-gallon hat...
BEES!
Is the phase "covered in bees" come into that?
Yeah, it will do. Cause people do get covered in bees
And then stang to death - by bees
Stang!
By clever bees, that can work their way into air conditioning units and stuff
Clever girl!
Yeah, clever girl!
There's some lovely plot points in here
"Dr. Krim self-injects an experimental bee venom antidote...
"The trial proves fatal"
He kills himself, yes
Cause he goes "I've injected all the antidote
And then runs into some bees!
"Dr Andrews is convinced that his plant, his nuclear power plant, can withstand the attacks of the bees..."
That's it!
"At that moment the alarm sounds and the bees invade the plant"
Yes! I'm sorry, I thought it was a scientific base
You're right it's a nuclear power plant. They're worried the bees are going to get in and cause it to explode!
They do
Spoilers: They do!
Because I think, Michael Caine is like,
"The only way to wipe them out, is to wipe them out in a nuclear explosion!"
And everyone looks around in a kind of, "but we're in a nuclear power station" kind of face
That's not actually how they defeat the swarm in the end
Oh
Seawater! No, that's triffids.
Oh, you're nearly there
Oh God...
They lure them out to sea [DING]
How do they?... Giant Jam Sandwich!
...on a boat!
On an aircraft carrier!
Because the alarm system was what attracted them in the first place
The alarm went off in the power plant, the bees were attracted to alarms apparently
*bee sounds*
Also didgeridoos!
I was going to say, less bee, more didgeridoo there
Oh yeah, I always get the two mixed up
Didgeridoo... FULL OF BEES!
A swarm of didgeridoos
Did you say you get the two confused, because that's going to be a painful when you...
There is some other history to this film
It was released originally at just shy of 2 hours
An extra 40 minutes of footage added for release in the 1980s
What format?
3D?
No, it was released for home distribution in the 1980s
LaserDisc.
LaserDisc! [DING]
Smooth.
Ooh, LaserDisc of bees!
Tell me that that was the first Michael Caine film out on any kind of home video
Forget Get Carter, Ipcress File, never mind that... BEES!
But it's great at that stage of disaster film where, y'know you've done earthquakes,
You've done infernos, you've done ships being turned upside down by tsunamis
You're now at the stage of BEES!
There are actually many more films here about large swarms of bees
Care to guess some names?
The Swarm 2
"This time they're angry!"
There's no Michael Caine
I'm going to give you a point because they're thinking of remaking the Swarm [DING]
Oh s***! Who's going to play the Michael Caine part?
Michael Caine!
Yeah!
Hopefully we'll get Tom Hardy
He's quite good, and he can act!
Which is...
Tom Hardy as Bane!
"The bees are coming to the power station!"
"Sorry what, the cheese is coming to the...?"
"The BEES"
"The booze?"
"They've got inside my mask! Aaagh!"
What I really wanted in that film was for them to take the mask off Bane...
... and he still talks the same without it on!
So they pull the swarm out to sea...
What do they do to it? Because it's quite hard to kill a swarm of bees - they don't nuke it
Flamethrowers?
...Close?
Raid! They just spray it with insect repellent!
You're closer!
Oh! Did they fire missiles at it?
Um, they douse the water with oil and set the swarm ablaze!
Whoa!
Cause bees can't go upwards!(?)
Bees could just go a bit higher
It's not as if the heat would make them rise
Would they pop like popcorn?
Fwoomp! This bee is done! Mmmm!
Tasty bee!
Clouds of beeee popcorn!
Honey flavoured popcorn!
Yeah, tastes of honey!
The final point of the film then...
Dun dun dun
Is Michael Caine wondering about whether they've finally succeeded
Whether it's a permanent victory
And he decides that, "if we use..."
I can't do a Michael Caine impression. So I'm going to put this on Gary
"If we use our time wisely, the world might just survive"
"If we use our time wisely, the world. Might just survive!"
You don't need to see the movie now!
At which point, he's got to look over a hill and then, hopefully....
A single bee!
Camera crash zooms on it! Bah-dah!
And then "The End"... "Question mark!"
Alright, I'm going to do a quickfire round here
Name me some animals, I'm going to give a point for each one, that actually does have....
An invasion movie after it
Oh, there's night of the shrews or something
The Killer Shrews! [DING] Giant shrews, yes
Sharks?
Yes, many [DING], many
Horses?
No! Astonishingly I've got no... Wikipedia does not know of...
Sheep?
-- Yes [DING] -- Black Sheep. Top film!
The Birds!
Yeah, [DING]
No, he's meaning the 60's group - the Byrds
"F***, Gene Clark's coming!"
Looking at the playground...
"Turn everything, turn, turn!"
NOOO!
Tern still being a bird as well
Yes, yeah
You know who'd play the lead in that?
Steven Seagull!
Wahay!
At the end of the show, congratulations Gary!
You obviously win this one for just knowing what the film was in the first place!
You win Updoc!
What's... updoc...
Not much! What's up with you!
That's been Chris Joel!
You've killed him! You've killed him!
That's Gary Brannan!
That's Matt Gray!
I've been Tom Scott! That's the end of the series! We'll see you next time!
I can't believe that s*** worked!
[Translated by D George]