This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed.
Joining me today - he reads books you know - it's Chris Joel!
Home team advantage!
Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan: Gary Brannan!
Does this dining chair have an ejector seat and if so, how?
and the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray!
Hello Youtube!
In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it
Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [ding]
and there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is...
Today we are talking about Graham Island.
Cause of a national shortage of Grahams in the 1980s when they all emigrated.
Is that what, in this country, we'd call Digestive Biscuit Island?
Graham crackers!
Thank you, one for you guys over the water.
Oh, is that what a Graham cracker is?
Yeah, it's a digestive.
I didn't know that.
It's totally a digestive.
Aren't they just called "biscuits anglais" on the continent because they refuse to accept that they have--
They don't affect your digestion at all
It's only in Britain where we hold on to this falsehood,
That's part of the same kind of train of thought that makes them call it "la cor anglais" and not the French horn.
[French accent] Ah, zese crazy English.
Zey sink everything is about them!
Everysing zat is sh*t is over there
Your biscuit? Sh*t. Your horn? Sh*t.
Less than two minutes into the show, into the series
and today's nation we are insulting is France
Hi, France!
We need a spinning wheel with an arrow that goes [rattling noise] ding!
La France!
Just on everyone except one that says 'Germany'.
We'll get to you
Eventually.
Amazingly that's what the Germans said to the French in '39!
F*** Morocco.
We haven't done that one yet
I'm spreading the love(!)
Tell you what. Eritrea
We got you
Graham Island
Okay
Is it a man or an island?
It is an actual island
There are a couple of Graham Islands by the way, this is not, uh -
There is a Graham Island of British Columbia, Canada - so the new world - named after someone.
This is somewhere in Europe
It's not made of... what islands are normally made of:
You know what -- So land?
So it's no no no, it's not made of land or rocks or bricks or anything.
-- Is it like one of those things that's an oil rig? -- Hang on, "or bricks?"
No, islands aren't made of bricks, Gary!
You were doing so well,
.. until you ... 'I'm gonna give him a point' aahh it's made of bricks... No!
Is it a volcano waiting to happen?
I'll give you a point and I'll give you biscuits for that
because that was spot on.
It is a submerged volcanic island.
So it isn't? -- But it's not an island if it's not above the sea, is it
Which, in 1831, poked above the water for a bit
-- Long enough to be spotted -- And then became flaccid.
Yes.
So this volcano had a momentary dong
That someone jumped up, stabbed a flag in it and it went beneath the waves.
I think that's what would happen, if that was Poseidon's cock
Which it sounds like it is
You get the flag, and it goes pfft and collapses.
Cold water.
Well it goes a lot bigger when --
When El Nino comes past, you know!
It erupts occasionally --
I'll bet it does...
In 1831, the Royal Navy flagship claimed it for the British Crown
Where is the island though?
The island is off Sicily
But it's one of ours?
It is... well...
It was all ours in 1841!
Sorry...
31.
Anyway...
Appeared in July/August 1831, disappeared in...?
-- October, 1831 -- 1850s, after Krakatoa went up.
Change of sea level, and all that.
It's a wonderful theory, but I was just going for the cheap joke: 1832.
So. new island pops up, British stick a flag in it,
Automatically a Starbucks on it.
Automatically. Obviously.
Sorry: Ye Starbucks, of the time, obviously
Starbücks(!)
How big was this island?
About the size of a Starbucks.
No, quite a bit bigger, actually
Two Starbucks.
Two Starbucks, a McDonald's and a parking area for doggers.
Point. 63 meters. You can have one for that.
It also had two small lakes.
Two lakes? That's not a lake! That's just water. that's stuck on top of it when it poked out!
Yeah, do you know any other definition of a lake?
I would rather... That's just a f***ing puddle!
Again...
Why did Graham island disappear so quickly?
It sank?
The sea levels rose because of global warming, and ice caps and that kind of stuff.
Not that early...
Is it because it was andasitic or continental plate lava rather than oceanic plate lava, which is basaltic and very hard?
Continental plate lava tends to dry as much softer rock so it was eroded much more quickly.
You're absolutely right, it was comprised of very loose volcanic eruption, and simply
disappeared into the ocean through erosion very quickly. Through wave action.
-- Sorry; that's amazing work. -- Sorry guys...
Take the points. Take all of the points.
This one is mine
Stick a fork in this one: it's done.
And it eroded before anyone could work out who actually owned it.
But we had a flag!
Sorry Eddie.
But Her Majesty's flag had been firmly planted atop, and somebody had opened a lovely bistro and restaurant(!)
I like the idea that it is Her Majesty's flag, not the Union flag. Just.
"This is mine... F****** f*** off"
I'm glad you have read the official rules of engagement for claiming new land, which is that
one of you does dress up as Queen Victoria and say: "F****** f*** off"
Even if it's not England, still have to dress up as Queen Victoria
"I am not enjoying zis..."
France!
There's another one at you!
Lets talk about that conflict then. Who else thought they might have sovereignty over it?
Italy!
But... is Italy existing at this point in time?
There we go...
Sicilians, potentially.
That's a point. Yes.
The Kingdom of the Two Sicilies.
Where's the other one?
In the very still Mediterranean, they thought there was another Sicily underneath.
They spent years tunnelling!
Two Sicilies were the island of Sicily and... what else?
The bottom of Italy
Yes. Have a point. Absolutely right.
The bottom half of what we'd now call Italy.
The bit they've managed to invade quite frankly. Let's face it.
Yeah.
So did Italy just use to be the top half?
All of Europe was just warring states for--
Well that's why they're just loose federations. As you know. Switzerland is still a loose federation of states.
Yes.
The best one is of course the Helvetic Empire.
It was all kerned beautifully.
Well that's what I thought! I went to Bern for a thing and on top of the big state building...
Is that the name of a place rather than fiery, burny...?
Bern is a place.
It's called Bern because Bern in Swiss means bears
and they've got bears there still
in a bear enclosure
Amazing tourist attraction.
We've caught them all now, they're here
Have you been to Vauxhall? Just asking.
In an enclosure(!)
But, of course, the state building just says, and I didn't know it at the time, just said: Helvetica.
And my first thought-- I looked at it and went, no it's not.
That's New Roman!
So you got those states. Other states that'd had a claim on it...?
If it's in the middle of the Mediterranean
you've probably got any of the Mediterranean states that are around there or close by
England and Sicily... Spain also said--
I like that. Anyone that was close by to the Mediterranean:
England.
We're on the map.
That's mine, that's mine
Wait: Gibraltar.
c.f., claim on Gibraltar. We're totally near that(!)
"I think you'll find that means we own this now."
"We own the gate therefore we own--"
"What's that? What's that? You can get in? Try it!"
You now there's still massive fights
with, really fantastically petty, but oh my god still quite s*** scary fights between Spain and Britain over Gibraltar
Basically: not only just move towards a shipping vessel, trained weapons on it.
Like in that kind of "no, we're not joking
"if you don't turn around this one goes off
"and Bob here has got an itchy finger. He's not had a chance to use one of these for real..."
"He's not shot this since 1982 and he's bored."
"And we all want to see the firework display!"
"Turn around chappy."
What I've learnt today is, that I know nothing about the history of Europe.
Do you know anything about the house of Bourbon?
Is that the one that's in Milan? I'm probably wrong.
France.
Point. [ding]
Well said.
How wrong can I be everybody?
European royal house of French origin. What did they want to set up on this lump of volcanic rock?
Distillery, if it's bourbon.
Fort!
Hospital!
A palace.
Leper colony.
You're all thinking way...
BUTLINS!
Point! [ding]
I wouldn't actually say it was a Butlin's. Billy Butlin hadn't really come along and done that concept yet.
[French accent] Biilly Butliin.
But it's a holiday resort.
Is what we've got here.
Obviously Sicily had a different name for the island.
Barry.
Barry Island.
That actually is an island. Aww!
Oh yeah!
Was it like "Giovanni"?
Yeah, it was Giovanni's.
Too early.
Guiseppi.
They named it after their king, so it was going to be called, Ferdinandea.
Still marked on navigation charts, for many, many years. Kind of stayed about eight meters below sea level.
For a long, long while.
What happened in 1987?
It was kerploded on purpose, so it was less of a danger to shipping?
Yeah. I'm going to give you a point for being...
Yeah!
For being kerploded! [ding]
Kerploded by accident?
Er, for sh*ts and giggles?
Kerploded by mother nature?
I'm going to give Gary [ding] the point by saying by accident. What were they actually trying...
I can't believe I'm actually still saying the word kerplode.
What did -- what were they actually trying to kerplode?
This was done, from the air, with a depth charge, in 1987.
Were they fishing?
Not with a depth charge!
They can't be depth charging a bloody submarine. That's an act of war.
Point! [ding]
Not in the Libyan conflict or anything was it?
Libya had submarines?
In 1987 a US Air Force pilot, on a mission to bomb Libya, mistook the island for an enemy submarine.
And dropped depth charges on it.
In how many seconds would it have taken him to go, 'They got submarines? No. Pft, We'll leave it then.'
But also... no, no, no. If he was on his way to bomb Libya, and he had depth charges...
They must have had submarines, otherwise why would he have been carrying depth charges?
Otherwise he'd have hit it with a conventional bomb.
That's a fair point. I can't dispute the logic there.
So there is...
Not a very wet country is it?
No.
I've had a look while you guys were talking about that, at the citations and the references on that.
Was it needed?
There is a bit of a dispute about this. It has been removed from the article a couple of times going...
"This is clearly an urban legend."
But there's a reference in the Independent to it. There's a reference in various other news sources.
All of them just saying, "this happened".
And I'm wondering if that's actually true, or whether it's some local legend that's made the newspapers
Everyone's referenced each other.
Yeah.
That's why it doesn't quite make sense.
Yeah. There's a slim chance he dropped a conventional bomb.
Or a massive chance, I think, as you say...
Yeah, it didn't actually happen.
The Independent says the Sun reported today... The Sun says the Daily Mirror reported today...
The Daily Mirror went. Yeah alright, er...
What happened today. Somebody blew up a rock. Fantastic.
Fernando said he he's not there any more.
And from what we know. The depth of this particular thing it would be eight meters.
Yes
You don't use a depth charge for eight meters.
No! Otherwise I'd pull a gun and start shooting.
You throw bottles at it.
Where've you f------ gone?
If you could depth charge at eight meters, you wouldn't have a boat any more.
You can flip the bird at eight meters.
Top Gun. Just go fly upside down, over the top of it. Flip the bird on the way down.
You can make that reference now!
I saw Top Gun last night for the first time in my life.
I saw a film today!
God.
What happened in 2000?
Someone put all the bits back together again.
I say it was un-bombed. Erupted again.
Oh! I'll give you the point for that. It was close to eruption.
There was seismic activity.
(Groans)
# I'm on the cusp...
It wasn't quite there.
So what did Italy do?
Because it's obviously not Sicily anymore, it's the nation of Italy. What did they do...
Surrendered!
Italy.
Went and parked up next to it, with a flag hung over the side of the boat, ready to go...
Ooh. A little bit further than that.
What? Actually stood on it as it was...
Yeah, basically. Have a point. [ding]
Actually, yeah, as it's going to be, erm...
Yeah, it's going to be an extrusion, isn't it?
So the actual bubbly material is at the bottom. It's just pushing up the dried column.
Dried! Cooled column.
Did they cap it so that it was above ground and then claim it?
Chris, out of everyone was closest. They sent a diver down and put a flag, under water, on it.
So then as, when it appeared...
Italy. I respect that. That's pretty cool
As the Scrapheap Challenge of boats comes round the corner of the Mediterranean
Just an Italian, just waving.
[frustrated cry]
Right. Erm,
Ah, by which point.
can we get funding for this? Because that's just such a brilliant denouement.
As the flag pops out. Just as it gets above.
Just as they are about to start playing that really uppy downy Italian anthem that they've got.
Out comes the Union Jack.
[Cheering]
The Italian one just flutters off.
Sean Connery nods and drives away in his DB5 shaped boat.
No, if Connery did it, just as the Union Jack came out, another one... a Scottish flag.
St Andrew's Cross.
See, what they should have done is just laser carved it in to the rock.
Hmmmm.
Argue with that!
But! Erosion was a problem already.
As we have previously established.
He's right you know.
That have done stranger things, because they have all those bases out in the Pacific, haven't they, that are man made islands.
They could just sail in there, put some hoardings round it.
Pump the water out and start slapping concrete on this bastard, until it's actually big enough.
Compared to reclaimed stuff in Japan...
Do a Dubai on it.
Yeah!
Do it in the shape of my face.
Have like a nose shaped volcano in the middle of it.
Well there's that one in Dubai, isn't there, where there's the guy's cut his name in canals.
Hasn't he? That you can see from space.
And then reverted it.
They're not there any more.
They're cut in, and then somehow they got... not paved over, but reclaimed.
Because there's not much water out there, let's face it
If the island does rise again, it's almost certainly going to be within...
"THE ISLAND WILL RISE AGAIN!"
Thank you.
If the island... appears above the waves again, because of modern treaties...
Who will have rights to it now?
Is it in international waters?
No. Not any more.
-- It's in territorial waters? -- Yes.
-- Is it Italian territorial waters? -- There we go.
-- It's Italy's. -- Point. [ding]. Simple as that.
"It's just a little island. We're not going to have a big fight over it."
Those are words that will get spashed over a paper in about five years time.
So they said 'It's yours'?
I mean you could choose to interpret it as that.
Ooh, so it's, who gets there first?
To the scrapheap!
At the end of the show, congratulations Chris.
You win this week. I think fairly clearly
Well I think Brannan put up a fight in the end.
It was close, it was close.
(It's mine.)
Congratulations, you win a patch of Somerset marshland,
that's been filled with oily fish,
that was previously owned by a documentary film maker and a white rapper.
Oh God.
Jesus.
Go on. Come on.
It's Michael Moore and Macklemore's mackerel moor.
You enjoy your time on that.
With that we say thank you to Chris Joel.
Woohoo!
Gary Brannan.
Matt Gray.
Bye!
I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you next time.
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