This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed.
Joining me today, he reads books you know, it's Chris Joel!
Hello!
Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan!
Yes, I did order a Crunch Corner, but not that crunchy.
And the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray!
Izzy. Whizzy. Let's get... busy!
In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia, and these folks can't see it.
Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]
and there's a special prize for particularly good answers, which is...
And today we are talking about Camp Bonifas.
Is that like a smiley Guantanamo?
-- Camp Bonny-face! -- Bonny-face. I mean...
I mean, I'm giving you a vague point,
because it's a United Nations Command military post. [DING]
So it's not the US, but it is 'camp' in the sense of military post,
so I will give you the point.
Camp in what other sense?! Ooh!
In the sense of a place you go to camp with a tent!
-- What, you mean... -- "Look at his camp bonny face!"
-- Actually, given that 'bona' is actually Polari... -- Oh, it is!
That's not actually all that wrong.
Yeah. Polari being the language of gay men in the 1950s and 60s,
descended from carnival speak. So, if you hear Kenneth Williams --
Julian and Sandy -- you know, "vada your eek" means "he's got quite a nice face".
Stuff like that. It's how gay men would talk to each other,
so that the police and other people couldn't hear them,
'cos obviously homosexuality was entirely illegal.
Oh! And it's a star as well, isn't it?
Polari... that's Polaris. That's something else. That's not quite...
Actually, loads of Polari has made it into regular English.
Looking through... barney, having a barney, having a fight with someone, is in there.
What else have we got in there?
To zhoozh up, a zhoozhing bag, is to do your hair and have a handbag, or something like that.
-- And naff. -- Naff! As terrible.
Basically, as with so many things, the rest of Britain just went:
"we'll have some of that".
Bringing this all back: Camp Bonny-face...
Derailed that one!
...does not... and it's Bonifas! ... does not mean just someone with a nice face, sadly.
Why is it, when you say "United Nations Command Centre",
I immediately think "damn, that's exciting!"
It'd just be lots of...
That's because you grew up on Gerry Anderson and Thunderbirds!
Anything! United Nations Command Centre! Nah, it's lots of dull men looking at laptops.
-- It's four men with laptops in a hotel room. -- Yeah.
We're not in a hotel room here. Definitely not in a hotel room.
-- It's an actual camp. -- Is it an actual camp?
It's an actual camp, in the sense of military encampment.
-- Europe? -- Oh, definitely not.
-- America? -- Also no.
-- Middle East! -- No, you're all wrong...
-- Something Spanish-y! -- United Nations.
-- Arctic! Antarctic! -- No...
So not something Spanish-ish?
No. You've listed most of the regions of the world,
I think you've missed three continents so far...
-- Africa! -- Two continents remaining.
-- Australia! -- One continent remaining.
-- Asia! -- There we go! [DING]
Literally the last continent to be named.
It's not 'cos we didn't like you, we're just saving you for last.
That's a terrible chat-up line, Gary.
Worked for me(!)
Do you want that on the cutting room floor or not?
It reflects worse on me than...
So where is there going to be a United Nations Command Post in Asia?
-- Is it Korea? -- Yes! [DING] You're absolutely right.
And I'm going to ask a loaded question here, so have a point,
Which one?
The bottom one!
Can I say neither?
Gary gets the point there. [DING]
Is it the one that's on the border?
Yes it is! Well, it was. It's now become various other things,
but yes, this was the United Nations Command military post
400 metres south of the southern boundary of the Korean DMZ.
Right. 'Cos that's the one where you have North Korean soldiers on one side of the room
staring at South Korean soldiers on the other side of the room
-- and they never communicate. -- And never the twain shall meet.
Are they being that person in the fight going "ey! ey!"
and holding the other two back?
Essentially, yes. That was part of their job.
It was returned to being Korean territory in 2006,
but yes, this was for many, many years the home to the batallion
who oversaw the armistice agreement.
So what can you find there? What could you find there?
Portakabins, wasn't it? It was just like school classrooms that were effectively --
that was the channel you would go through for whatever immigration was.
Yeah, I'll give you a point. [DING] Small collection of buildings,
surrounded by triple coils of razor wire.
Oh, that's not good.
"It would look like a big Boy Scout camp if it wasn't for..."
-- Goofball surgeons! -- The guns!
-- All the Korean men with guns! -- The bibimbap!
-- All the land mines. -- Point! [DING]
If it wasn't for the land mines that surrounded it, yes.
Can I just point out: must've not been on a Yorkshire Scout camp.
Were you a Scout?
Yes I was a Scout! I was a Beaver, I was a Cub, I was a Scout.
And I was in the St John's Ambulance as well. Yeah.
I did most of the full thing, apart from becoming a Venture Scout.
Did you hurt yourself? Is that how you got in the Ambulance?
No, no! My Scout troop had so few Scouts in it
after spending weeks where we built an Airfix kit, shelled a crab...
What, artillery shelled a crab?
Yeah, there's just one crab in the middle of...
"Bollocks to that!"
It was a lad called John Crabbe, actually.
We built a small balloon as well one night out of tissue paper,
with a little basket underneath with paraffin,
that raced to the roof and then it set on fire.
And that's how I learned how to use a CO2 fire extinguisher!
You see, that's a useful skill!
I think I learned more off that than tying f***ing knots,
I'm going to be honest with you!
And then one night we tried cooking on a cooker,
one of those little paraffin cookers,
and it just leaked everywhere and set the place on fire.
-- Again! -- There's a pattern here.
Shut down shortly afterwards, what can I say?
And you were a Scout, weren't you?
I was a Scout, your Scouts were s***.
-- You were a proper Scout. -- I was, yeah.
We used to go and build zip lines in the woods
and go off camping on our own.
Yeah, maybe so, but did you ever win the Scout Eurovision?
No, thank god, we never entered!
Basically, adorable kids singing adorable songs in adorable costumes. I did...
You had a very different Scouting experience!
Well, we went Scouting instead!
Yeah, we didn't. See, you did things with wood and axes...
Wood and mountains and axes and fires!
I sang the solo in "My Mummy Is One In A Million".
Actually, to be fair, by the time I actually got to Scouts
the first two years were spent fighting. Literally,
two hours a week, go down, have a rumble, then eventually we changed leaders!
We did so some... we did do that one where you fill a boxing glove with sand,
tie it to a rope, and spin it round, you've got to jump over it.
"That one"!
D'you ever play Barrels?
I don't... which one's Barrels?
Barrels is three water barrels in the middle of a room...
Oh f***.
Full, if you're feeling particularly vindictive,
then the whole troop joins together in a circle. Give us your arm.
-- This one or that one? -- Like that.
-- Yeah.
-- And then you run in a circle... -- Oh god.
And if you let go, or if you hit the barrels, you're out.
Naturally, this eventually leads to some of the 11-year-olds
being put between two 16-year-olds and smashed into the barrels!
Although, I've said the boxing glove one, I've just remembered now,
one week we did replace the boxing glove with an axe.
Nice! That's more the level we're at!
That's more your level of Scouting.
I will make the point: South Yorkshire Scouts, West Yorkshire Scouts.
Whereas I had a Commodore 64.
Yeah, I did not do any...
I thought you were going to say you were in the Navy!
"Whereas I was in the Navy!"
"Where I had a Commodore!"
-- So yes. -- What were we talking about?
Camp Bonifas! Which would look like a big Boy Scout camp...
Would look like a South Yorkshire Boy Scout camp...
Actually, yeah, we did use to have a load of old ammunition tins.
Some of 'em still with ammunition in, but...
So there was one other thing you'd find there.
The kind of thing you would find if you had, say, some bored commanders
who were all used to doing a certain thing with each other.
Pornography.
No.
A steam room!
Oh, definitely not.
Battleships! The board game.
It's certainly a game.
Actual battleships!
Not in the DMZ? It's a little bit to the side there.
Golf!
Point. [DING]
What was called "the most dangerous hole in golf",
a 3-par, one-hole golf course.
It's got an astroturf green...
...and land mines!
And surrounded on three sides by minefields, yes!
"Mulligan!" "No mulligans in this game, go out and get it!"
"There's the map, good luck!"
Allegedly one tee shot did actually set off a land mine.
Oh, brilliant!
"It's in the rough!"
Yeah, you would actually enjoy that, wouldn't you?
That'd be such a great stress relief.
Well, it's a tee shot, it's got a bit of distance on it, it's fine!
If you're, like, what, three par? So there's a good walk there for a start.
That land mine going off in the distance'll look f***ing brilliant!
You just get a low golf clap from the distance.
Oh, now that's definitely not what happened at one point.
Because the name of Camp Bonifas, it was originally Camp Kitty Hawk.
What happened... I mean, the name of it kind of gives it away,
this is the Axe Murder incident. Now obviously...
What happened?
I'm not giving you a point for successfully guessing that there was an axe murder.
But what happened in the DMZ?
Did someone wander into the DMZ by accident?
-- Not by accident. -- On purpose?
You wouldn't need the axes, would you, 'cos you've got land mines for that business.
Did the person that was wandering have the axe?
They had an axe. Why would you go into the DMZ with an axe?
-- Cut a tree down! -- Point! [DING] Absolutely right.
-- Some of the southern side... -- This is starting to ring a bell now.
Can't think why, but it is.
Some folks from the southern side went in to cut down a poplar tree
that was blocking the UN observers.
The North Koreans promptly arrived with axes of their own
and the tree was not being chopped down any more, and...
One of the people killed was called Bonifas,
that's where the name of the camp came from.
Three days later, American - South Korean forces,
they launched an operation to cut down the tree with a show of force.
What did they call that operation? Name...
Thor!
Legendary American who cut down trees.
Washing...ton...?
No... oh, that's chopping down cherry trees.
Is it the person with the stupid hat?
-- Davy Crockett? -- No, he planted trees!
That was Johnny Appleseed!
We've named every tree-related American here and we haven't quite worked....
Americans in the comments will be screaming at you at this point!
We don't know! We're not from there!
Famous giant lumberjack, American folklore...
Paul Bunyan.
-- Never heard that. -- Never heard of it!
-- Never heard those words before. -- Wow, okay!
I've heard the word Paul, and I've heard the word "bunion", but I've never used...
-- Only in the sense of something on your foot! -- Yeah!
Americans, we don't know about Paul Bunyan,
in the same way that you don't know about Michael Barrymore. All right?
That's not really the same way, I'll be honest.
Different order of magnitude there.
Different order of magnitude.
-- More Finn McCool. -- Oh, yes!
Yes, we've talked about that before.
More Finn McCool. Yeah, okay.
Actually, that's a really good... Michael Barrymore is not...
I think you'll find he was a giant of light entertainment, though.
What, Finn McCool?!
Yeah! Saturday nights.
"Appearing up on the rocks tonight!"
So what is at the DMZ now?
A tree with a hole in the bottom of it!
The tree is gone. The tree is gone.
At least they won their cause(!)
Yeah, they did! And North Korea accepted that, yes,
"yes, okay, we probably shouldn't have done that,
"yes, you've just sent in a lot of soldiers to chop down that tree,
"haven't you? Okay, yes."
"Have the tree! Have several!"
I don't... a plaque or something like that?
Tourists!
Point. [DING]
That's the bit you can go and visit, isn't it?
You can actually go in a bit further now,
if you actually get permission to go in,
you can get to the crossing point,
you can technically enter North Korea briefly.
There are even tour companies that do things,
but you have to pay a naughty government some money.
Yes, it is possible to get to the DMZ if you're a tourist
with a lot of permissions and a lot of papers signed now.
Which is closer than Camp Bonifas ever was.
The camp itself has been handed back to Korea.
But they have the Korean version of Buckingham Palace guards!
-- Yes they do. -- They're just two men standing there,
one of whom's fine with you being there,
the other who deletes the photos off your camera.
-- One tells the truth, and one always lies. -- I was going to say!
And one shoots people who ask awkward questions.
Why don't more borders work like that?
In the "one tells the truth, the other only lies" fashion?
Because everybody's seen Labyrinth!
It'd be pointless! Everybody knows the answer!
But that's fine! That's a lovely system to filter who comes in and out of your country!
If you've seen David Bowie's bulge you're allowed in.
I knew it! I knew we were headed for David Bowie's bulge.
It had to happen, didn't it?
I'm going to say this: you deserve it, if you've sat through that.
Like the time I discovered the zoom function on my DVD player
while my wife was out of the room.
And the loop feature as well.
So when she came back in, there was a zoomed-in, looped version
of David B-- the late David Bowie's-- cock and balls
dancing all over the telly.
Not the cock and balls! Just the crotch!
-- Different video! -- Well, no, this is the scene
where he's not got the cup on.
There's a point where they got him the codpiece
and there are scenes they shot beforehand where they went
"oh boy, you can see the whole lot there".
"You know, it's like a party down there."
"It's like several puppies in a paper bag."
It's during the Magic Dance sequence,
where he's dancing from side to side,
going 'Dance, magic dance', that bit.
That's the bit he doesn't have the Crotchulator on...
The Crotchulator!
Worst gym machine ever.
"Crotch you now... crotch you later!"
It's like a helicopter sideways on.
That's a plane, Gary.
At the end of the show, congratulations Gary, you win this one!
Congraulations, you win a circular muscle with the head of man and the body of a lion.
Oh no...
It's this sphinxter.
Urgh! Urgh!
-- Worst superhero ever. -- Where's...
So with that we say thank you to Chris Joel!
Where does the muscle go between the other parts?
To Gary Brannan!
To Matt Gray!
Clenching.
I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you next time.
It's just going to go...
"Why is the lion walking like that?!"
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