[Cheering]
MATT: What up, crew?
[Laughter]
Yeah, get the door, door boy!
Just put this back on to cover up the man-boobs.
[Whistle from audience]
'u r crap' Thank you!
She's up there.
Now, those of you who have known what we've done for a while
will remember that a long time ago we did some audio episodes.
And I didn't know how much time we would have left, exactly, at the end of this...
GARY: To be fair, we didn't know how long it'd get before the cold bottles of piss hit the stage.
What I like is that they're cold, which means that people have pre-prepared them.
[Laughter]
GARY: Yeah.
Um, which means —
MATT: "This one's for piss..."
Er, which means that...
In front of me, I have some classic trivia questions!
[Cheering]
GARY: Ohhh, baby!
This is what they want!
"Finchley!"
And by classic, I mean they're from 1984.
GARY: This s*** again!
I am going to read out the answers; all you have to do is guess the questions.
Are you all ready?
God, remember the days when we did this in a small, fart-filled room in Chester?
We had a really big curry one of the nights, and *he*...
He destroyed the room so badly we had to open the outside door to let the maft out.
That was the night I fell off your airbed and head-butted your drum kit — oh, memories, memories.
[Laughter]
We start...
...with Albert Blake Dick.
Which Blake didn't make Blake's 7?
Because "Dick's 7" wouldn't sound... yeah.
Should have seen the shape of the ship.
It sounds like an order. 'Albert — blake Dick!'
What's 'blaking' someone?
I don't know, but I know what you use!
Heyy!
GARY: It's when Gareth Thomas comes up behind you —
TOM: NO.
Two people got that reference.
GARY: Thank you, both Blake's 7 fans in the audience.
TOM: Now, see, this has actually been corrected since.
The actual answer to this would be Thomas Edison...
GARY: Er, who shafted who out of some kind of patent?
Well, Dick was the one who named — I can't say that seriously.
[Laughter]
Blake Dick — I can't say *that* seriously.
Albert?
Albert was the one who named it.
So we are looking for an invention.
A tephelone!
Oh, no. We're looking for something that you'd still use in an office today.
GARY: Photocopier. CHRIS: Chair.
GARY: Window. MATT: Electricity.
Gary, you're very close.
I'm looking for something a little bit — like, photocopier, that was the Xerox Corporation...
What was an earlier version of that?
Typewriter.
CHRIS: Carbon copying... thing... pad.
Yeah, I'll give you the point. [DING]
We're looking for mimeograph machine.
GARY and MATT: Mimeograph machine?
GARY: Sounds like a f***ing electro band.
GARY: Yeah, I'm down with the kids.
'Hello, we're Mimeograph Machine.'
CHRIS: [Beeping and booping] GARY: 'Yeah. And we're here to annoy you pre-show.'
TOM: That's actually fair, isn't it. GARY: Yeah, yeah.
We move on to 'the 35'.
What yard line do you do some bollocks at in American football?
[Laughter]
GARY: You don't get your bollocks out in American football.
Very dangerous.
No, that's rugby, and that's afterwards.
Ha ha!
Oh they do, though, don't they.
You're absolutely right, it is a yard line in American football...
Do you want to go any...
CHRIS: Line of scrimmage. MATT: Is that the line you go past, that if you go...
That's where you... kick the thingy.
[Applause]
GARY: This is why you never got that...
American football is one of the few sports I sometimes watch.
And I still don't know what I'm going to say.
And yet, 'Is it the line you kick the thingy?'
The thing is, he's right. [DING]
That's what you get for watching the Superb Owl, isn't it.
Yes.
Super Bowel.
Yeah. Hell of a show.
Yeah. It's 'Which yard line do NFL teams kick off from?'
And before we get letters, this is from 1984. It was moved ten years later.
'Before we get letters'?
[Laughter]
MATT: Z! Q! R!
I'd quite like that, because the YouTube barrier to entry
would be quite a bit higher if you had to comment by sending a letter.
But on the other hand, I would open my post in the morning —
You've got a letter opener as well!
[Laughter and applause]
Tom lives near an embassy.
I like to think he does have a silver platter that his post is delivered on.
'Private and Confidential for you, sir...' [Envelope slitting noises]
No, I just like the idea that I'm going to open a letter,
and it's just going to be a vague insult on my person.
All in caps.
All in caps, obviously.
That would be, yeah — YouTube comments by post.
'u r crap' Thank you!
That would be post with the word 'LOL' in it.
Yeah.
TOM: Your next one is... jai alai. MATT: Thatcher!
MATT: The answer's almost always 'Thatcher'.
TOM: Jai alai.
CHRIS: Fastest ball speed, compared to lacrosse.
[DING] GARY: Thank you...
Absolutely spot on. Knocked it out of the park —
No, no, it bounces off the wall and comes back.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Your next one is... the Impossible Missions Force.
What do they call us on a date night?
Wow, that makes my answer even worse. Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare?
Er, no, definitely not.
MATT: 64 newtons.
The Impossible Missions *Force*, right. Yeah.
TOM: Good... good.
Weak electromagnetic! Same joke, but whatever.
No. The abbreviation for that would be IMF.
Where does the post get misdirected if you're writing to the International Monetary Fund?
[Laughter]
Anyone who has seen a certain film is likely to know the answer to this one.
MATT: [Hums 'Mission: Impossible' bassline]
[DING] GARY: Thank you...
[DING] GARY: Ahh.
TOM: He's absolutely right. 'What's —'
['Mission: Impossible' melody] Doodle-doo... doodle-doo...
Doodle-doo... doo-doo.
TOM: He's absolutely ri — MATT: Doodle-doo... doodle-doo...
[Applause]
Doodle-doo...!
Yeah. 'What was the name of the agency from Mission: Impossible?'
The sound-man at the back, he's just gone cross-eyed and his ears are going red.
Your next one is... Intourist.
What is the worst place to store a bottle of water?
[Laughter]
Thoop!
It's when it comes out without the cap on...
I store all my water lying down, anyway.
Ohhh!
Where would a Yorkshireman put things 'in the ourist'?
TOM: In t' ourist! Yeah, okay. GARY: In t'ourist.
No, you would be saying this in an accent as well, certainly.
He just did!
Yeah, okay.
And bear in mind, this is 1984. They like questions about certain countries here.
GARY: Russia!
TOM: Yes. GARY: Ohoho.
It is the state-run travel agency of the Soviet Union.
Ahh.
Mandatory tourism!
GARY: In Russia, travel does you.
I can only imagine that you basically went up there, said 'I'd like to go somewhere,' and they said, 'No.'
[Laughter]
It's like a railway station. Big blinds they pull down and go,
'NO'... 'NO'... 'NO'... 'POLICE'.
I would like to go on The Holiday.
CHRIS: From what I understand from what I've read,
essentially you went there and you got your week's allowance of... like, leave.
But because it's leave from the country, in essence,
you got a week in this dacha, at the place you were told to,
at the time you were told to be there. And then you returned.
Ahh.
GARY: Butlins then.
[Laughter]
Yeah, but the coats were red.
Yeah.
I have spent one brief holiday in Butlins, and it is not all it's cracked up to be.
And it's not cracked up to be much.
I was going to say!
I tell you what, when I had a holiday in Butlins, (A) it was brilliant,
but (B) I was a bit worried by the barbed wire and guard towers round the edge.
GARY: I'm not joking, there were genuinely guard towers.
Why...?
To stop — I'm not sure if it's to stop other people getting in, or to stop us getting out.
Why would they?
I don't know!
'Ooh, let's go break into Butlins!'
No, that is absolutely what kids in a small, boring seaside town would do.
You would absolutely go and break into the Butlins.
They had great slides.
It's just the machine gun might get you on the way down.
[Laughter]
This is turning dark! So let's move on.
North Butlins and South Butlins!
'Get on the slide!' [Machine gun noises]
No, no, you've got the breakaway Republic of Pontins, above.
[Laughter]
Blue coats — red coats. They don't talk. Don't talk.
Your last question then.
Aww.
Baseball and bridge.
We are looking for something they have in common.
CHRIS: An extra — GARY: Bats!
An extra card in the box.
GARY: The way I play it.
So first of all, that's quite clever, but no.
And secondly, what bat do you use in bridge?!
Cricket, and it speeds it up.
[Laughter]
TOM: That's fair.
Was there ever an iron baseball?
Because you could say both have been designed by Brunel.
[Laughter]
GARY: 'This ball is superior to all others!' Thonk!
It's also slightly too big for everything else as well.
TOM: Yeah. No, we are looking for terms...
I'll give you a point for one of the terms that is found —
MATT: Terms of endearment?
...in both.
GARY: Can I have a go?
Yeah, go for it.
Rubber?
Absolutely spot on. It's 'Which two games have both a rubber and a grand slam?'
And that is such a good bit of obscure knowledge that...
[Applause]
Because I like, despite all the gags,
that we've ended on Gary coming out with a really obscure bit of knowledge and absolutely nailing it.
MATT: Shall I save this?
[Blows raspberry]
[Laughter]
Nailed it. Nailed it.
But at the end of that, it is clearly Chris that wins, so congratulations.
[Applause]
Congratulations! You win an enclosure in which underwear is forbidden, run by the star of Face/Off.
Really!
GARY: No! Don't do this!
I've worked it out. Don't do this, Tom!
Gary, take it.
Knickerless Cage?
TOM: It's Nicolas Cage's Knickerless Cage.
[Laughter and applause]
With that, for the final time tonight...
Please give it up for Chris Joel!
Gary Brannan!
Matt Gray!
TOM: I've been Tom Scott — MATT: And Tom Scott!
Thank you! Goodnight!