This is the Technical Difficulties, we’re playing ‘Citation Needed.’
Joining me today, he reads books y’know, it’s Chris Joel.
“Hello, I’m Chris Joel, Christ College Oxford,
reading references to surfing in the early King James Bible.”
Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan.
So, the vicar, with a sickly smile, shook hands with the monkey
and could never look a banana in the face again.
And the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray.
Hello, live studio audience!
In front of me I’ve got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can’t see it.
Every fact they get right is a point and a ding,
and there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is:
And today we are talking about Jack Churchill.
Is this the method by which one would raise a wartime prime minister?
I’m glad that’s the version of the verb you went with there, Gary,
that could’ve been a lot worse.
I'll be honest, it was the flip of a coin and I went with the clean one.
The thought of Churchill being raised ever so slightly.
“Yes, you may check my undercarriage for wear and tear.”
No, it’s for when he needs to seem more authoritative.
“Oh s***, he’s a lot shorter than Stalin!”
“We shall fight them on the beaches.”
“In the fields. And in the street.”
- “Enough!” - “And in the treetops.”
I just like the idea that Churchill is now just sat
about 6ft above everyone else in a chair that he can’t possibly get down from.
At which point there’s a beeping noise and Stalin comes in on a cherry picker.
It explicitly says, at the end of this article,
“Of no relation to Winston Churchill.”
Well, there you go, that’s our first five minutes completely redundant.
Is it that nutter who tried to fight World War 2 with a claymore?
Episode over.
Sorry guys.
Goodnight, thank you very much for coming...
You say episode over, but there is a heck of a lot more to this story going on here.
A claymore is a proximity triggered-
No, it’s a hand-and-a-half Scottish sword.
Oh, a sword?
- Yes. - Oh.
I mean, a claymore is a mine as well, but this is-
Okay, a different type of claymore.
Yes, as in “Scottish Clans-man!”
“I will see off the entire continent” and that was basically his remit.
That was what he went into the war to do.
Wow.
Where do you think he was born?
Not Scotland.
Not Scotland, you’re absolutely right, he was born in Ceylon.
Okay, Sri Lanka.
Actually, you say drafted, he joined of his own accord in the 1920s.
Mainly because there weren’t enough things to cut up in Ceylon!
Well, yes, he left the army in 1936.
Because there was not enough fighting.
He then worked as a few other things.
What might that be?
One is a phrase I wouldn’t associate with the 1930s,
of a job for a... a strapping young lad.
- Chef.
- IT technician.
I was going to say…
Operative of a mildly successful nail bar.
“A little bit off the top? Right!” "Whoa!"
Male model.
- Really? - I can see that.
He also used his archery and bagpipe talents
to play a role in a film called ‘The Thief of Baghdad.’
- Eh? - With bagpipes?
With bagpipes.
‘The Bagpipes of Baghdad’?
Was it really ‘The Thief of Bagpipes’?
He won second place in the military piping competition at Aldershot Tattoo.
- But that was cake-making... - Was that like cakes?
Jinx!
Are you going to ice a cake with bagpipes?
Yes, you can do five bits at a time if you blow hard enough.
He also represented Britain at the World Archery Championships.
With the sword?
Where he also used the bagpipes.
No, this was a longbow.
Of course, it would be.
The Second World War breaks out…
And he decides not to bring the longbow because it’s impractical.
Wrong.
Really?
He brought the longbow?
“Hi, can I help?
I’ve got one of these!”
He really was going to party like it was 1399 wasn’t he?
He was with the Manchester Regiment in France and ambushed a German patrol.
How did he give the signal to attack?
Did he just scream and run?
Not this time.
I’m going to give you the point because, yes,
he did that plenty of other times but not this specific time.
He was in command of the troops,
how did he give the signal to attack?
Did he have his bagpipes with him?
A quick parp on the high notes, yeah.
With the drone beneath.
That’s not the skill he used here.
Flaming arrows!
I’m going to give you the point,
he killed an enemy sergeant with the longbow.
Oh boy!
Not with the arrow, with the bow.
Yeah, with the stringy bit first.
Like cheese wire.
To use the technical term, "the stringy bit of the bow".
The last recorded person ever killed during wartime with a longbow and arrow
was that German sergeant.
Now, I’ve just noticed something,
this man seemed to have a penchant... is that the word?
For running into battle and screaming.
He managed to go into several battles…
Many battles.
Without dying?
Yes.
Yeah, but with the longbow you are quite a way back.
Norway, 1941, landing craft on a raid on a German garrison.
I mean, paint me a picture.
What…?
I’m thinking night-time, I imagine.
Now, you see,
it’s the point of when he starts playing the bagpipes.
“Franz, vat is zat coming from over ze ocean?”
Sorry, worst accent in the world there.
And the wheel spins and lands on Norway!
Would that be the Boulogne part of Norway you’re doing there?
Yes, it’s the German garrison out of France...
Fair play.
Would you do it over the ocean
or would you wait until the landing craft had silently approached the beach
with the whistle of the wind through the trees
as the clank of the metal as it hits the beach, suddenly…
You’re nearly right.
Yes, he leapt forward from his position, playing on his bagpipes,
before throwing a grenade and running into battle.
This man is a hero!
Oh, if you’re going to do anything.
Just the thought, just to be inside his head
as he approached the beach with the bagpipe ready to go
and the grenade pin in his hand thinking,
“Yeah, we’re going to do this.”
Again!
“This is my time”, for the fifteenth time.
If that was me I’d pull the pin, drop the bagpipe,
and then there'd just be a parpy explosion.
You say he threw a grenade, did it hit anything or did he throw it by mistake?
It’s not recorded here, I don’t know.
What a hero.
So we’ve had France, 1940, Norway, 1941, where was he in 1943?
Italy.
Correct.
He’s got some good airmiles hasn’t he?
Did they drop him in?
Not sure you get airmiles on the army’s flights.
I’ve seen a video of a bagpiper in a parachute.
It was…
That was so close.
I’m going to drink that later, go on…
It was in the ’70s.
Basically the ‘One Show’ of the ’70s, ‘Nationwide’, did a segment,
and I don’t know why because I’ve only seen the clip itself.
There’s a bagpiper, a low altitude plane,
he’s got the parachute on one of those cords that triggers it-
Static lines.
Jumps out, starts playing ‘Scotland the Brave’ on the way down.
It’s great because he gets in, he gets the drone on...
♪ Na na na-na na na na ♪
But then it hits the ground.
And he cannot do a landing and hold onto the bagpipes at the same time.
No he can't, you’ve got to flare, you’ve got to pull down both straps and…
If that’s the technical term, so be it.
But all I heard was ♪ na na-na urrrk urrrrrrk ♪
as he got dragged along by the wind on the floor,
the mournful parp of an emptying bagpipe.
A mournful parp of a bagpipe!
This, sadly, was not a parachute.
This was a landing site.
Was this, again, the same as Norway, yet slightly sunnier?
This was the same as Norway, yet slightly more.
Ohh…
What hasn’t he used?
Whoa, he has his bow as well?
Yes, he had the broadsword, the longbow and the bagpipes.
And the grenade?
It doesn’t say.
He’s like the people you get in computer games.
“It’s funny because you could never carry all of these!
“How is he carrying all of these?
“Where did he get that from?
“He was holding a sword a minute ago!”
And playing the bagpipes which, again,
is a two-handed instrument, let’s not forget.
How fantastic would it be if he just had a batman though?
Going back another 50 years where you’d just have a gentleman’s gentleman with you
and just take him on the battlefield,
“Broadsword if you would, Jeeves.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“He’s a little way off. Longbow. Thank you.
“No, nothing’s happening.
“Bagpipes, we’ll sound some more.”
“Number three wood for the grenade.”
“Might I suggest the pitching wedge, Sir, they’re awfully dug in.”
Oh, I was thinking more cricket bat.
Pitch her up. Thock!
Going full zombie into battle!
I seem to recall someone saying that the effective range of a grenade
is further than you can throw it.
Right, so you do need something like a bat behind it then?
Or you need to chuck it into somewhere and move out.
- You’re chucking it, I’m running away. - I’ve got the bagpipes.
Do you want to bat a grenade?
Yes, I reckon I would.
“Oh... wait, no!”
Extra second on the detonator just for the pitch up.
If you miss it you’re in trouble.
Look, I didn’t say this wasn’t one for the courageous soldier did I?
He infiltrated the town…
Playing the bagpipes.
Not they, he.
Hang on, infiltration and this man don’t sound like words that go together.
He was ordered to capture a German observation post.
How did that go?
Er, surprisingly well?
Yes, I’ll give you the point, he captured 42 prisoners.
F***!
No one tried to shoot the bagpipes?
I’d be honest, it’s not the first thing you’d- well, I don’t know.
It depends how anti-bagpipe you are.
If I was there that would be the first thing I’d go for.
You’ve got three bullets, what do you shoot?
The bagpipes three times.
I can just see the bullet going through and,
“Ye shot my pipes. Now I’m angry!”
He wasn’t Scottish!
I’m going to point this out.
He wasn’t Scottish.
Yeah, but they wouldn’t know that.
He was captured-
Yes.
Was he?
Do you know the story there?
I can only presume that he was captured, went along willingly,
beat all the guards at chess and poker,
drank the camp commandant's rum,
then dug his way out with his teeth while the commandant was passed out,
chewing on broken glass and spitting it at guards
before having relations with the entire female population of the nearest town,
lighting a cigarette on the ground, not even using a match,
flipping the V and then walking into camp and saying,
“What have you f***ers been doing?”
Tom…
Just as a guess(!)
Tom, please ding, for the love of God please ding.
It’s not even close but I’m going to give him a point for it.
Crawled under the wire, through an abandoned drain
and tried to walk to the Baltic coast.
Ended up being recaptured, escaped again,
walked 93 miles to Verona in Italy and met the Americans there.
I bet they were delighted to see him(!)
Then continued and went to Burma.
Arriving in 1957.
By the time he’d got there what had happened?
Was the war over?
Yes, absolutely right.
Oh.
That must’ve been very disappointing for him.
I’m going to quote here, “If it wasn’t for those damn Yanks,
“we could’ve kept the war going another 10 years.”
See what you did!
You ruined that man’s 1940s.
Wow, that is an insight into his mind isn’t it?
Yes.
Hang on a minute, I want to ask you a genuine question,
what the frig did he do after the war?
Because he is tooled up and angry.
Him on the checkout in Sainsbury’s!
No, he walked back from Burma to Korea.
When that was over he walked to Vietnam.
The answer is, and I’m giving you a retroactive point here Gary…
Oh, respective pointage!
Because you’ve already said the word,
what did he qualify as in the army?
Supermarket...?
I can’t remember what I said!
“You are now a professional supermarket, sir.
“Well done.”
Where did that come from?
Because I think he said, “Imagine him in the supermarket”
and that’s all that was there,
for that brief second, the word ‘supermarket’.
Supermarket. He became a Londis, that’s what happened.
Pick a word, any word!
He was pulling bottles of wine out from under the kilt that he’s not wearing.
Nail bar?!
Parachutist.
Oh.
There are stories of him assisting a medical convoy,
coordinating evacuations, all sorts of things like that,
and then, coming back to England,
went back and made another appearance in a film.
Was he in a Bond film?
No, he was in ‘Ivanhoe’.
What did he appear as?
A bagpipe.
Close.
A longbowman.
Yes, absolutely right.
What skill did he pick up in late 1950s Australia?
Boomerang wanging?
No, no, no, because...
Wanging being a very specific word there.
I think that 'that action' could conceivably be called a wang.
Technically it’s 'boomerwanging'.
No, a wang is underarm isn’t it?
As in 'welly wanging'.
Ah…
Definition of the wang there everyone.
The phrase 'welly wanging' was just lost on half the audience.
Gumboot throwing if you are from the home counties.
Don’t they have the word welly?
I don’t know.
It’s a wellington isn’t it?
As in, after Wellington,
but it also brings me back to the excellently-named
1980s computer company from Oxfordshire, Wang.
Oxford United, in the 1980s, were sponsored by Wang.
So, on the front of their shirts, for years and years,
was the word Wang, repeatedly.
Late 1950s Australia, what was being developed there?
Surfing.
Yes, absolutely right.
He became passionate and, I’m quoting here,
“Passionate devotee of the surfboard,
“one of the first people in Britain to surf.”
And, specifically, one of the first people in Britain to surf what?
Severn Bore.
Point, you’re absolutely right.
That’s the tidal river thing isn’t it?
Yes, the tidal surge.
Yes, there is a single tidal wave
that on particularly strong tides rolls up the River Severn.
And nowadays it’s filled with surfers and boats and drones flying overhead.
It was just this guy on a surfboard.
One pissed off guy from Ceylon, playing the bagpipes,
swinging a claymore round his head,
having finally conquered another element.
Imagine opening your curtains and…
“Can you hear bagpipes?” “I can’t hear bagpipes.”
“That’s completely impossible by this placid River Severn
“with the occasional... oh, sweet Georgia.”
“Daaaaagh!
“Bristol, you’re mine!”
Did he end up declaring war on himself?
In retirement, it says, his-
Retirement!
As if he’s going to retire!
How is this man going to retire?
“…his eccentricity continued.”
No way!
You’d have thought he’d have settled down.
People, when they hit their retirement, they’re usually so placid.
I’ve seen ‘Last of the Summer-’
Was he doing ‘Last of the Summer Wine’ only with claymores?
Bathtub.
“Aaaagh!”
He startled train conductors and passengers-
How?
By throwing his briefcase out of the train window each day on the ride home.
Why?
Did he try and get it in one of the Post Office nets
for the Travelling Post Offices?
The what?
The way they used to pick up mail in ye olden days,
not the olden days but the days of Travelling Post Offices,
you would have a hook by the side of the railway line.
They would dangle a bag full of mail,
at which point the carriage would come towards it,
it had a bit of sticky out net that would be dropped out at exactly the right moment,
would hit the hook, the mail bag would drop into the net
and be sprung into the carriage,
at which time another hook would be slung out from the train
with another bag of mail that would be dropped in the same location, like that.
Wow.
Precise timing and speed and location.
In such a way that they don’t have to stop to pick up the mail and drop the mail.
- Exactly, it just goes. - The train goes…
And then the post has happened!
And then the letters be(!)
This is the night mail, crossing the border...!
Well, that’s the noise of it isn’t it?
And suddenly, bag.
And in this case, briefcase and claymore,
and angry man from Ceylon.
He wasn’t trying to get it on the mail pole.
He was aiming for a specific target.
His garden?
Oh, that is amazing.
I want to do that on the way home.
It doesn’t quite work in the tube but…
I was going to say.
I was going to say, which really sucked when he moved to London.
He lived to the age of 90.
I’m not surprised, who could kill him?
Death just walked away.
He died in 1996
and was later named one of the finest explorers and adventurers of all time.
By himself.
By the Royal Norwegian Explorers Club.
At the end of the show, congratulations Chris,
you obviously win this one, for the...
Yes, you won this one 30 seconds in.
“Is that the madman with the claymore?”
Yes, yes it is, that’s absolutely right.
I’m going to say that’s up there as a record, it really is.
Congratulations, you win two words mixed together
by the actor who played Padme in the ‘Star Wars’ prequels.
No!
It’s a 'Natalie Portmanteau'.
I like that.
With that we say thank you to Chris Joel.
Thank you.
To Gary Brannan.
To Matt Gray.
I’ve been Tom Scott and we’ll see you next time.