This is the Technical Difficulties, we’re playing Citation Needed.
Joining me today, he reads books y'know, it’s Chris Joel.
Hello!
Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan.
It--
And the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray.
Bienvenue, YouTube!
Ah, très bien!
In front of me I’ve got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can’t see it.
Every fact they get right is a point and a ding,
and there's a special prize for particularly good answers, which is...
And today we are talking about Atomic Annie.
Oh! Is it a terrible way to teach people how to do resuscitation?
“Now children, after the bombs fall,
“you may find that the person you’re resuscitating has bad breath.”
Am I guessing it’s not an Atomic Ruj… res…?
Put your teeth in, try it one more time.
Resusci Anne.
No, it’s not.
Who is a real person.
- What? - Who is?
Resusci Anne.
You know the thing you use when you’re doing resuscitation practice, the face.
Oh, so you can walk down the street, “oh, I recognise you from… oh.”.
Well. Let us cast our minds back to 18th, no, I think it must be 19th Century Paris.
Or early 20th Century Paris, whatever…
Pick a decade, any decade!
Who noticed she had that weird click when you pressed her chest, and what were they doing?
You know she was a dead body pulled out the Seine, right?
No, no!
Yeah, the Resusci Annie is based on an unidentified corpse that was pulled out of the Seine
and they cast the face.
This is where it gets grim, the person who did the autopsy… something like the…
Yeah, because before that it was bucket of f***ing laughs!
No, this is just a Thursday night in Paris so far.
They pulled the body out and whoever was doing the autopsy thought she was so beautiful,
they made a cast of her face and that is the face that is used on the Resusci Anne dolls.
I’m not giving you any points because it’s not even remotely related to the subject,
but you are entirely right.
By a process of elimination we know what it isn’t, though, eh, Sherlock?
It’s like someone came along and went, “Now that’s a fit corpse.”
Yeah!
No. No.
My God, when you put it that way, yes, yes…
It again raises the question of the clicking noise.
You are absolutely right.
A young woman whose death mask because a fixture on the walls of artist’s homes.
Urgh.
Yeah. Don’t do that.
Is it in the testing sites?
Is it the fridge that Indiana Jones went in?
No, that’s Atomic Smeg which raises more questions, yet again.
It is certainly military hardware, but you’re not close enough to get a point here.
Is it when they tried to power a plane with a nuclear reactor in the 50s?
Ooh, no.
Damn it!
- Oh s***! Really? - What was that, I haven’t got…?
It was when atomic power was The Way of The Future and Would Harm No One!
Erm, did you not see what we just did, guys?
Anyway, they were building nuclear reactors down to, I presume, like the size of this stage
and they put in a, well, it must have been a B29, because it was a prop…
It was a B36 according to this.
I’m sorry, it must have been a B36.
Cut that.
Anyway, they made a nuclear powered aeroplane,
and I don’t think it worked ’cos they’ve stopped doing it.
Ain’t that an episode of Thunderbirds?
They never actually connected the engines to the propeller.
Now that’s where they went wrong.
That would be why it didn’t work!
That would be why it didn’t work, I’m not a scientist, but I--
“I've turned both bits on, it’s not going anywhere!”
Some dude stood in the middle of the plane going, “Huh, huh?”
Have a go…
“Oh no, metric and imperial!”
If there’s one thing that too much science fiction has taught me,
it's that going like that immediately results in a load of sparks
and you’re going, “Argh”!
Yes, but it might have taken off!
Yes, but you’re fine after it! You’ve saved something.
No.
We've not got off the blocks! This is the longest we’ve ever been stuck with nowhere.
Is it a Blondie album?
Oh f***.
It’s an atomic something and it’s ground-based ordinance here.
Cannon!
Point. You are absolutely right.
Ground-based ordinance. Cannon…
Trebuchet…
Atomic trebuchet! Bloody hell, you could!
Are you firing atomic things, or is this just a massive atomic powered structure?
It’s an atomic powered thing that fires… Atomic Kitten.
That would go for… miles? I don’t know.
But only when the tide is high.
Atomic Kitten songs…
’Cos if you’re going to fire at it something, it’ll make a hole again.
And cause an eternal flame.
Chris, Chris, it’s okay, it’s okay.
It's Okay is another... Atomic...
I can’t believe that’s the third time I’ve done the walk out.
So the atomic cannon, then?
Yes, an atomic cannon developed about when?
50s.
Tuesday!
Wednesday, in the 50s.
Yes, have a point, early 1950s, I’m giving Matt the point there.
At the beginning of the Cold War.
Well, of course it was 50s if it was atomic.
They developed for three years, the idea being
to make a cannon that would fire a small nuclear device.
That’s ballsy.
How did they get it around?
Train!
How big was this thing?
Very.
Train. Very.
Ding. Quicker…
Correction. Two trains!
Bigger!
I’m giving you a point for big, and I’m giving you a point for two.
It was two tractors, but it required two extra-long fire trucks to move the thing.
- Okay. - Ooh.
It is an 84 tonne gun.
Did it need to be that big?
Yes! If you’re firing atomic weapons,
you want it far enough away that the blast wave doesn’t get you,
which means it needs to be a-big, as previously mentioned.
Yes, you are absolutely right. What was its effective firing range?
Far!
Somewhere in three digits of miles. Price is Right rules!
Six.
Miles?
I haven’t specified a unit.
I will say 200 miles, Price is Right, go…
Six miles.
A furlong.
That’s not very far.
It might have been a failure, it came out the top and just went “plunk”.
Which is not great for an atomic device, but no, about 20 miles, so have a point.
And they did actually fire this. Where did they fire this?
In the desert.
I’ll give you a point for the desert, the Nevada test site.
Yes, that one that you can still go to, weirdly, on a day trip.
It’s a bit far.
They do…
Not from here, unless you’re going by nuclear cannon, obviously.
Did Bach ever write an atomic canon?
Did what? Oh, for God’s sake.
That’s a hell of an organ.
That’s right, it’s the classical music gags, everybody!
The test was successful, they made 20 of the cannons. They cost...
What, 20?
What were they planning on doing in the 50s with 20 cannons?!
Shooting the Russians, remember?
Miles away!
No, no in all fairness…
Have a point.
How big is the land gap between the US and Russia?
Drive to an empty bit of Alaska and shell an empty bit of Russia and just go pfft!
Can I just use three words:
moral f***ing victory!
What you’ve invented there, Gary, is a really bad intercontinental ballistic missile.
Well this is, isn’t it, basically?
Yes, but it wasn’t just Europe and Russia it was deployed to,
where else would they have sent it to?
Did they send it to Korea to s*** them up?
Yes they did. What were some of the problems with this?
Didn’t work.
It did work.
It got all leaves in it.
Everything that was carrying it went backwards faster than the thing went forwards.
When they got there it wasn’t really all that useful, why not?
Because the Russians had invented an atomic super cannon.
Yes, it’s called an intercontinental ballistic missile.
As we scientists call it.
Yes, you’re absolutely right, better things had been invented.
So, while they still had it and it was still a prestige weapon
they didn’t ever actually fire it.
In the end they realised they could just make atomic shells for what?
Beaches.
Any artillery piece in the inventory.
Exactly right. They didn’t need the cannon,
they could just build a bigger regular cannon and put a nuclear shell in it.
There was something else here called the Davy Crockett weapon system.
This was an attempt to put a nuclear device in another bit of weaponry,
what might this have been?
A firework!
Oh, we’re not back to wedging things in cats, are we?
A sword!
“Drive me closer! I want to hit them with my nuclear sword!”
How would that even work?
You perch it on the end like…
The Davy Crockett weapon system!
Musket!
Bullets.
You know what you’re closer, it was a recoilless rifle.
So essentially a rocket launcher with a nuclear bomb on the end of it.
And it didn’t have any recoil?
Recoilless rifle essentially means the back end is open,
so you’re basically putting a hollow tube up and the exhaust gases come out the back.
A hollow tuba?
They’re all hollow. That’s how they work. If they weren't hollow, you'd just...
Oh, yeah!
Solid tuba!
Do you want to do the gesture? We’ve all done it once.
Come on, get in on this.
What were some of the problems with this,
with a shoulder mounted rocket launcher nuclear weapon?
You had to carry the ammunition!
And it’s right next to your head.
That didn’t have the range to get you out of blast distance.
And that’s the big one, yes.
Who the f*** is going to fire it?!
“So this is fine, yeah?” “Yeah.”
“It’s glowing, you know that don’t you?” “Yes, yes, it’s all cool.”
“If this hits that guy am I dead as well?”
“Yeah.” “Fuck you.”
Just drop it. Just drop it!
In fact, far worse, he dies instantly, you get a slow lingering death.
Yes. That’s the other problem.
Instantly lethal within 150 metres of where it hits,
fatal dose within a quarter mile of landing.
Just drop it.
Just leg it!
Also, what couldn’t you do to the bomb after you fired it?
Pick it up.
Hug it.
Juggle it.
Use it again.
Paint a watercolour.
I said “fired”, not landed.
It’s not like you’re going to abort it, it explodes with a nuclear bomb…
If it’s going to get you anyway, it’s going to get you sooner if you abort it.
There wasn’t an abort option, that was the problem.
No, it’s a nuclear bomb! You’ve already fired it!
But that’s not what sets off a nuclear bomb.
- Yes. - That’s true that.
You fire it or you drop it or whatever, and then the timer sets it off.
Because nuclear bombs have accidentally fallen out, haven't they,
and gone off but not exploded,
because there’s one.. is there one off the coast of Spain, or something like that?
Oh, don’t look up “list of nuclear accidents” on Wikipedia.
Yeah, it’s terrifying.
Seriously.
There’s certainly one off the waters of, I think it’s Georgia in the US?
So yeah, have a point.
But you don’t want to turn the timer off,
because then you’ve given it to them and they’re just going to throw it back to you.
In the post!
Oh that’s a good point. Did you just say in the post?
Well, you just set the timer a little bit longer!
You just wind it up!
You address it in a big box that looks like a birthday cake. You put it in the mail.
Why would you have a box that looks like a birthday cake?
Because that box that looks like a birthday cake
is in a bigger box that looks like the kind of box a birthday cake might come in.
Oh, that’s me told!
Inception boxing!
Are you a spy, and you haven’t told us?
Alright, and then you address it to
“Head of FBI, the Pentagon. Happy birthday.”
and then like your mum always does on birthday cards,
“Do not open until…”
And he’ll go, “Oh, for my birthday, it’s in a few weeks.”
Puts it in the corner of his office, opens it up, a cake!
Cuts into the cake,
and that’s when your timer goes off.
Don’t you get it so the bomb pops out of the cake and goes, “Happy Birthday, Mr President…”
An atomic Marilyn Monroe!
Talk about a blonde bombshell.
Really? Really?
Yes, that’s your one for the season, let 'em clap.
Tom, that’s a beautiful shot.
No, to be fair that was you bowling it straight down the middle of the crease
and we’re just going, “oh, this is easy.”
You met it well. I'll give it…
Ha, crease…
Meanwhile, in Britain.
There is a somewhat related slightly ridiculous weapon project here.
Oh, as opposed to where we’ve been perfectly sensible up to now.
Yes, and it’s called Blue Peacock.
This was a British attempt to create a tactical nuclear weapon.
They were going to put nuclear mines in Germany.
S***!
What’s the problem with burying something like that, that's electronic...
- You don’t know where the f*** you’ve put it! - You don’t know where it is.
That is one problem, yes.
One problem with that is that during the winter it gets very cold,
the electronics don’t work.
How do you keep something like that underground warm? What was the plan?
Thermos flask.
Sending sheep out to wee on it.
I’m never going camping with you, ever.
This only needed to last a week or so. So how do you keep that warm for a week?
Oil fire.
Blankets.
No, it’s something that is going to generate its own heat for a while.
A cat.
You are very close.
Oh God.
Cows.
A bit big to bury there with a nuclear mine.
They buried animals with the things?
The plan was to bury a chicken. So I’m going to give you the point.
F***ing hell!
Who goes, “okay, we’ve got this bomb, this high tech nuclear thing…”
Yep, we need to keep it warm.
“What we need to is we put it underground and we need to keep it warm,
“what do we need to put it on?
“Chickens!”
No, Jeff, Jeff, we can come up with a better solution.
- “Chickens!” - “Chickens.”
Hang on here, are we talking a box here with a live chicken in it,
and an egg-sized nuclear weapon so that the chicken just gives it this number
until the timer goes off.
That sounds like it would work.
Yeah, that was the plan, it never actually happened.
Isn’t it a motion detection bomb and you’re putting a chicken,
one of the flappiest animals….
It doesn’t detect itself.
So how do you set it off, do you step on the chicken?
Well it’s a mine, right, so you make your box,
you put your chicken in the box.
Oh, the chicken’s in the mine?
Yes.
You put your chicken in the box, you put your pressure pad on top,
or whatever and then you put your…
Right so you’ve got this really, really high tech thing
and then you put a chicken inside it,
because that’s what is going to make this high-tech thing better!
Yes, because it will keep it at a working temperature
without needing to plug anything into it or keep it running.
I sometimes have problems starting my car in the winter,
shall I put a f***ing chicken in the engine?
No, just get a normal chicken, the f***ing ones are too distracted.
Can you imagine the--
Warm, cold, warm, cold, warm, cold.
NATO's retreated that-a-way, right.
You approach what is... you won’t even signpost it as a minefield would you, like today.
You would just probably see the field.
“Chicken farm.”
And suddenly…
“Free eggs, please come in…”.
In Russian.
It says it in English but with “in Russian” in brackets underneath.
But you approach this mysteriously newly dug field,
that has nothing on it apart from the sound of clucking from beneath.
Well let’s face it, it works doubly then
because you f***ing wouldn’t follow them over that field!
“What the s*** is going on here?” You'd go back to...
“What is it?” “A field of ghost chickens...”
At which point, one of the chickens has pecked his way out
and suddenly from beneath the soil, a chicken’s head just pops out.
No, no, it’s got to do Night of the Living Dead, it’s got to be the right wing.
Ohh!
Suddenly irradiated chickens start popping out of the ground all over,
and that’s before the bomb’s gone off!
Proposed, seconded, get ’em built…
Can I just say, Suddenly Irradiated Chicken is the name of my new prog band,
for reals this time.
I like you have The Cluck from Below like it’s a horror film.
The Cluck from Below!
“New from M. Night Showaddywaddy: The Cluck from Below.”
Many animals were harmed in the making of this movie.
So at the end of the show, congratulations Matt, you win this week.
Woo! Yay.
Congratulations. You win a rope that keeps out vultures
owned by the star of Gavin and Stacey and the Late, Late Show.
It’s James Corden’s Condor Cordon.
So do enjoy that.
Until then we say thank you to Chris Joel,
to Gary Brannan,
to Matt Gray.
Bye, bye.
I’ve been Tom Scott, we’ll see you next time.